His Words and Actions

by Behind Scene Walls

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published December 13, 2008

His words were mesmerizing,
his actions were deceiving.
Cheating.
Lying.
Ignoring.
Forgetting.
Late.
Never early.
Dis-liking.
Arguing.
The farthest thing from perfection,
but the closest thing to splitting.
I loved him and his words.
Not his actions.

Comments & reviews · 8
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evanrith
Review
evanrith wrote a review Review · Jan 3, 2009

so for a first poem this is really great it shows pure undilted emotion but it lacks the eloqience of experience which isnt nessicarily a bad thing. the only though i have is to try and make it a little less straight foward and get the person to think a little thats really all i can nit pick i wont touch grammar we dont get along.

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writetolive Comment
writetolive commented Comment · Dec 15, 2008

i wish my first poem was this good.

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Behind Scene Walls
Comment
Behind Scene Walls commented Comment · Dec 14, 2008

Thanks June

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Juniper
Review
Juniper wrote a review Review · Dec 13, 2008

Behind Scene Walls wrote:(First of all welcome to YWS! I like this poem a lot! Very nice! It's a very good base for a poem, but it also has the potential for you to elaborate on it. A few corrections:)



His words were mesmerizing,
his actions were decieving. (should be "deceiving"; the E comes before the I)
Cheating.
Lying.
Ignoring.
Forgetting.
Late.
Never early.
Dis-liking.
Aruguing. (Should be "Arguing")
The farthest thing from perfect,
but the clsest thing to splitting. (clsest should be "closest")
I loved him and his words.
Not his actions.

(Also, your last line "Not his actions" is kind of just written. With poetry, it's nice to try and write things intricately to try and add some originality to the poem. Try reconstructing this sentence and see what comes of it :).)



Good poem! Great job! Keep it up and welcome aboard :)


June

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Behind Scene Walls
Comment
Behind Scene Walls commented Comment · Dec 13, 2008

Thank you for your tips!

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*writewatiwant*
Review
*writewatiwant* wrote a review Review · Dec 13, 2008

Hey there! First of all welcome to YWS! :D
Okay, so on to the review:
I agree with Jiggity :lol:

Late.
Never early.


This is very poor, since if he's late, we know he's never early.

Dis-liking is spelled this way: disliking.
I think you mean arguing?

The farthest thing from perfect,


Change perfect to perfection.

Closest.

These are some things you could change to help improve your poem, but it needs much more work.
keep writing! :D

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Jiggity
Review
Jiggity wrote a review Review · Dec 13, 2008

I think, at the core of this, you have a good idea; to explore the dichotomy between thought and action, word and deed but the execution is poor.

This is meant to be poetic, you realise? It's not simply about venting your feelings in a poorly thought out, list of deficiencies. It's about taking a concept or feeling and building around it a house of imagery and startling thought. You should aim for a reaction; be it laughter, thoughtfulness, compassion or whatever and once your sure of it, the problems in the writing should become clear and you will be able to refashion this into something that will evoke a response.

Right now, I'm getting nothing.

Cheers



Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero